Seasons in Motherhood

Melbourne, 8^th June 2008

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” – Helen Keller -

Today I was tired, physically and emotionally. I was feeling days not sleep. Here comes the reality of what so called motherhood in B-School. It’s not a right timing. It’s too much farewell in last couple weeks.

The seasons toward my MBA journey

Today, one month ago I waved good bye to my youngest son, the “bright angel” with his heart-melting eyes, Joel Ingelbert. I flew back to Melbourne with broken heart and swollen eyes due to much crying in the plane. Although it’s temporary, never good at handling farewell (temporary / permanent), my insomnia entail for 2 weeks; waking-up in middle night to miss my Joel. Though it’s getting better, I realized I would never overcome this feeling.

It’s hard to say good bye, welcoming winter; season of cold. My warm girl classmate leaving for 2.5 months, recent quit Jensen’s Korean nanny, added to my “farewell database”. I think it supposed to make me stronger, yet my growth seems stagnant in this area.

B-School dreams, spring; season of hope. Pursuing my higher degree is like fulfilling a hidden desire that I had ever since James pursued his master degree at UNSW. However, I was pregnant then, gave birth and raised my first son in a foreign country without any helping hand so that studying was not my priority. I was impressed with UNSW campus and services. The campus was convenient, modern, near to beachside suburbs, hospital and CBD. I began to imagine that some day I will walk on the university walk and study on the green grass library lawn as a student. I called Sydney my second hometown with its magnificent harbors and sun-kissed beaches

An article from Vogue Australia business edition August 2002 illustrated the profiles of four businesswomen: DI Jones, Bobbi Mahlab, Natalie Bloom, and Amanda Stevens. I really wanted to join them being a successful woman who has the guts to do something different despite of their challenging circumstances. In “Degrees of Separation: For aspiring women pursuing the top, the MBA is the icing on the cake, says Susan Owens” it is stated that AGSM, one of B-School at Australia, turned 25 years old in 2002 and ranked number 13 on its list of the 100 top MBA programs worldwide by London’s Financial Times. It featured many benefits being MBA graduates, and I thought “This is what I want” after reading the article. I kept the magazine with me to Indonesia, reading it many times, to remind me to fulfill my goal.

Pursuing scholarship, summer; season of blooming. Literally and implicitly; When I decided to apply for Sampoerna Foundation Overseas MBA scholarship in my fifth month of pregnancy, I knew I would be eight months pregnant when the selection process was conducted. But looking at my first son, my second son-to-be in my growing tummy, and people who trusted me; they all gave me the strength and courage to do it. I don’t want my kids see me quitting on my dreams just because of some obstacles. Instead I want them to see me as a fighter. I realize that I may not be around forever for them, but the good values and my spirit will give them a reason to stand firm in what they believe as long as it is good and positive. Unfortunately I failed to evaluate that it may give my motherhood on stake and challenging position. It’s a trade-offs that I should know in advance.

Melbourne, most livable city in the world, autumn; season of falling. Despite my eternal love to Sydney, I decided to study at Melbourne Business School. Series of biggest failures: personal growth, relationship, and my learning curve happened to me all of sudden. I experienced numbs of feelings, hardest hit at my beliefs and values, resulting in fluctuation fears, doubts and negative feelings.

I never have so many questions. My former life was not perfect, yet I’m content with my blessed angels, Jensen and Joel. Life, at times, becomes unbearably sad when to talk a great deal is not helpful; to pray and to hope is difficult. Silence, which causes us to be in awe of the action of God within us, remains. And it will continue to stay according to the degree of our faith and trust in God who knows well what each of us needs.

Back to today, winter: season of cold. I’ve never been feeling so mean, self-centered and unreasonable. Today, I realized how winter at Melbourne probably shares me its coldness. There was no warmth left in my motherhood. My patience was tested in motherhood and clearly I failed the test. Jensen was just being 5 years old. He was just being kid. The deepest sorrow can cause a sense of abandonment, or feelings of gloomy aloneness and of absolute darkness. We forget our true-self. Again, I was feeling imbalance.

Then, perseverance to teach independency to Jensen became knife with two-sharp sided to me. I kept encouraging him to sleep at other room, not bed-sharing as I used to be doing with my kids. Jensen obeyed though I accompanied him till he’s asleep. And then, my mixed feelings become so unbearable but it astonished me. I realized how I missed him and he’s grown up. Suddenly, I’m happier that despite the turbulence seasons, my motherhood is still the only strength I can count on. It’s my true-self.

I’m sober that I’m in control for my feelings. Leaves can be falling, weather can be unbearably cold, the “just now” betrayal in trust can hurt us so badly, the “doubt” can drive us crazy, the “fears” can haunt us; yet there is of hope for certainty of victory.

Today, as its winter both in Melbourne and my personal life reality; suddenly gave me hint of spring, season of hope. It’s a circular seasons of life, in motherhood and in any life circumstances. Thanks God, I’m looking forward for spring in life, the next season after winter.

The person in great sorrow can nevertheless consolidate the gift of faith, well knowing where to turn for help and regain its strength.

Jensen and Joel, mum is mere human. Pursuit to perfection is good, but if you both read this essay; written by me, I hope you can take the essence that THANKS GOD, WE ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKE. AND THANKS GOD, spring is waiting after winter cold nights. NOTHING beats my love to you. YOU HAVE ALL OF MY REASONS DESPITE MY IMPERFECTNESS (which I’m not proud of). It is the moment to take courage into our hands so that we can live with greater awareness. To keep our face toward our failures, and learned from it; it’s still the key of enjoying life with freedom

copyright@JISuciadi